I AM SORRY BUT I AM COPYING THE JOKES AS I LOVE IT HAD ME FALLING OF MY SEAT IT WAS SO SO SO GOOD.................................
One day, a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river and her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped his hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "No." The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked again. The seamstress replied, "No" The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "YES." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep and the seamstress went home happy. Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the same riverbank and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the seamstress. the lord was furious. "YOU LIED! That is untrue!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then, if I said 'No' to him, you would have come up with my husband and had I then said 'yes' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so that's why I said 'yes' to Mel Gibson."
The moral of this story is : WHENEVER A WOMAN LIES, IT'S FOR A GOOD AND HONORABLE REASON AND IN THE BEST INTEREST OF OTHERS. THAT'S OUR STORY, AND WE'RE STICKING TO IT
A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.' The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.' The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands. The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.' The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old. The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful ******* should remember fairies are female.....
> SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH .... AND TO ANY MAN WHO CAN HANDLE IT!
Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
o OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
o SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs. A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
o GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
o LONGEVITY Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
o PROPENSITY TO CHANGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
o DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. __ o HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED ! Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.