JUST TO LET ALL MY REGUALR VIEWERS KNOW... I WILL ONLY BE DOING TWO ARTICLES A WEEK.......... AS THERE IS A NEW BLOG IN TOWN................... YUP ITS MINE.............http://londonfunnies.skyrock.com. COME AND HAVE A LOOK IF YOU LIKE TO LAUGH........AS I KNOW YOU DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SEE YOU THERE.................
Whats dumb? Instructions on toilet paper. Whats dumber than that? reading them.
Whats even dumber? Reading them and learning something.
Dumbest of all? Reading them and having to correct something you've been doing wrong.
HA!AH!HA!HA!!!!!! A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later: "Da-ad..." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." "Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!" "Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad..." "WHAT??!!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"
THAT ONE IS SO SWEET...DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!!! I WISH MINE WAS STILL HERE....
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear," replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said... 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
CALL ME SARCASTIC...BUT THE ONE BELOW IS GOOD...
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."
OH PLEASE FORGIVE THIS ONE DOWN THERE...I JUST LOVE IT...BUT IT IS RUDE...OR QUITE RUDE....
An old man was sitting at the bar, when a young man came in with a mowhawk haircut dyed different colors. He sat down next to the old man and noticed that the old man was staring at him. Finally the young man asks the man "What the hell are you staring at! Didn't you ever do anything crazy when you were a kid?" The old man pondered for a moment and replied "Yeah, I screwed a peacock and I was wondering if you were my son."
We start to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find anything that comes in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurts so bad it brings us to tears. Enter the almighty, uncomfortable training bra contraption the boys in school will snap until we have calluses on our backs.
Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we now bloat, we cramp, we get the hormone crankies, have to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.
Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) is having sex for the first time which is about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.
Then it's off to Motherhood where we learn to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we don't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learn to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we're having Rosemary's Baby.
Our once flat bellies now look like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee our pants every time we sneeze. When the big moment arrives, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions will invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we'll waddle with our big cartoon feet moaning in pain all the way to the ER.
Then it's huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more (or 10) good pushes," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the ***** (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 lb bowling ball through a keyhole.
After that, it's time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morph into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.
The teen years. Need I say more?
The kids are almost grown now and we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.
Now we hit the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take the HR. and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.
Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get off so easy INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...
Now I love being a woman but "Womanhood" would make the Great Ghandi a tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah right. Bite me. Send this to seven bright women you know and make their day!!! Or at least make them laugh a little...
Did you hear about the woman who was married to a succession of three Microsoft employees and still died a virgin?
Her first husband was in Training, and kept teaching her how to do it herself.
The second was in Sales, and kept telling her how good it was going to be.
And the third was in Tech Support, and kept saying ''Don't worry, it'll be up any minute now....'' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said Implants?" She hit me.
I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
Don't argue! with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called LABOR! (true!)
Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher....and since it's in English, thank a soldier
During a recent publicity outing, Jennifer sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.
"Will I be acquitted?"
HA HA HA HA AM NOW GASPING FOR BREATH.............................. OH OH OH OH!!!!!!!!!! OUCH I GOT A STICH