A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
Smart Ass Answer #4:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Smart Ass Answer #3:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Smart Ass Answer #2:
A truck driver was driving along the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
Smart Ass Answer #1
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
Ways to have fun at the supermarket:
Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles. Tell an employee in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10". Play with the automatic doors. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along. Walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this junk, anyway?" Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive." Follow people through the aisles, staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department. Play soccer with a group of friend, using the entire store as your playing field. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!" Put M&M's on layaway. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!" Toilet paper as much of the store as possible. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?" When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!" Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men. Take bets on the battle described above. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics. Hold indoor shopping cart races. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission: Impossible." Attempt to fit into very large gym bags. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?" Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store. Two words: "Marco Polo." Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out. During announcements over the PA, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!" Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it