After you cut off a vehicle, give a "Thanks-for-letting-me-in" wave and nod to the other driver. Always save your nose picking for when you're behind the wheel. Drive closely behind speeding ambulances and fire trucks so you get ahead of everyone who pulls over to let them pass. Drive with a pen and ATM envelope in your hand and write down everything a moron driver does. If another driver honks at you, ignore it, continue to do exactly what you are doing, and give him a dirty look. If another driver is courteous enough to let you in front of him/her, show your appreciation by letting the entire world in front of you, including tractor trailers and construction vehicles. If for some reason you had to pull over on the shoulder, wait until a car is approaching to pull back onto the road. If the driver behind you is honking and flashing his headlights because he is in some sort of an emergency rush, do NOT pull over to let him pass. If you are driving fast, stick one arm out the window, twist your hand back and forth, and pretend to be an airplane as the wind lifts your arm. If you are on vacation and you see any sort of wildlife, stop in your lane to take a lot of pictures. If you get lost while driving, the best place to stop and get your bearings is at a green light. If you have a car phone, use it as much as possible. If you have no one to call, hold the phone up to your ear and pretend. If you need to stop to ask for directions, wait until there is a car behind you and stop in your lane to block traffic. Try to ask directions from either a 90 year old local, a deaf person, an illegal alien, or a child. If you see a vehicle getting in your lane directly behind you, hit your brake pedal. The closer the vehicle, the harder you should press. If you see an emergency vehicle traveling on the opposite side of a concrete divider, stop abruptly. If your vehicle is capable of spinning its tires on dry roads, take advantage of this. Make as much black smoke as possible. Keep your brake light blinking by keeping one foot on the brake pedal at all times. Maintain flex-time at work so that you can drive around leisurely when others are rushing to get to work on time. Make sure you have at least one of the following bumper stickers: "I may be slow but I'm ahead of you" "If you don't like my driving, get off the sidewalk" "If you can read this, you're too close" "I'd rather be skiing" "I brake for no apparent reason" On multi-laned roads, always drive at the same speed as the vehicle next to you. Try to "box" in drivers behind you, who are attempting to pass. Slow down drastically for every little bump in the road. Swerve into the opposite lanes to avoid hitting roadside obstacles... like Styrofoam cups and Twinkie wrappers. Use your driving time as an opportunity to have an intimate encounter with your significant other. When approaching a curve in the road, slow down as if the road is ENDING. When approaching a yield sign, either accelerate without looking or come to a full and complete stop. When drivers ahead of you pull over to let emergency vehicles pass, accelerate so that they can not merge back into traffic. When driving at a slower speed, stay in the left-most lane. When driving in a lane that is going to end because of construction, ignore all the "LANE CLOSED - MERGE AHEAD" signs. Then wait until the last second and cut off the other drivers that had the common sense to switch lanes earlier. When driving in heavy bumper-to-bumper traffic, always drive with at least 10 car lengths in front of you. When having another vehicle follow you to where ever you are going, and a third car merges between you, drive 5 miles an hour just to make sure that your followers (who are 2 cars behind) can see you. When picking up a passenger during the early morning or late night, in a residential neighborhood, stop in front of the house and honk the horn. Either a series of long honks or in a melody of a song such as "Shave and a haircut" is appropriate. When there's traffic behind you, always drive 8-20 MPH below the posted limit. Whenever possible, cut off other drivers and slow down. Whenever you see a police car, even parked, slam on the brakes and drive 15-20 MPH slower than the speed limit. While listening to your favorite song, let other drivers on the road know that your listing to your favorite song. The best way to do this is, is to steer the car with your knee, pretend to be holding a pair of drum sticks, and start beating away at the steering wheel and rear-view mirror. While the whole time bobbing your head all over the place. While traveling down residential streets, drive 2 MPH and look at all the houses and landscaping. In fact, look everywhere except out the front windshield. Women are encouraged to put on their make-up while driving. You always have the right of way. Your car stereo should be blasting music at approximately 900,000 dB.
You Need A New Car When... Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.
Instead of an air bag, there is a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.
You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14 year old on a moped.
15 minute Jiffy Lube needs to keep you car for 3 days.
When you gas up, the attendant asks, "Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?"
Thieves repeatedly break in your car just to steal the "Club."
While sitting at a stop light, people keep running up to you and asking if anyone was hurt.
For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "vroom, vroom" noises while in the driveway.
You keep losing dates on left turns.
Traffic reporters start referring to you by name when discussing morning tie-ups.
Translated Car Ads
- Two tone paint work - Original color and rust.
- One careful owner - But the other nine were clumsy as anything.
- 10,000 trouble-free miles - Crashed in the last 20 feet.
- Heated rear window - So you don't get cold hands when push-starting the thing in winter.
- Very clean - Only washed if and when it rains.
- Lady owner - The glove box is full of half-used cosmetics.
- Clean interior - All the rubbish is under the floormats.
- Immobilizer - The gear shift comes off in your hand.
- Anti-theft device - I can let you have a Rottweiler cheap.
- Drives beautifully - ... in a straight line; the steering is all over the place.
- Low mileage - The odometer is on its third time around.
- Full service history - Charlie in the garage round the corner checked it over last week.
- Economical - Doesn't use much fuel, as it can't go any faster than 30 mph.
How To Annoy Your Driver
I DARE ANYONE TO DO ANY OF THESE......LA....DARE YOU
All passengers should pretend to have their own brake pedal. Always grab the dashboard or doorhandle and yell "Whoa!" Always tell the driver to slow down or speed up. As a passenger, feel free to take your shoes off and smell up the whole car. Constantly remind the driver of road conditions. Every time you see a car do something that ticks you off, ask everyone in the car with you if it is included it on the "How to drive like a Moron" webpage. Every time you see a car pulling out, yell to the driver "Watch it!" Grab the steering wheel if you feel the driver can not deal with a traffic situation. If there is a mirror on the passenger side door, it's there for the passenger. Feel free to adjust it at will. Make sure that you put your chewed bubble gum into the ashtray, unwrapped. No matter what lane the driver is in and where you are going, always tell the driver that we would be better off in the next lane. Point to the left and tell the driver to make a right. Point to the right and tell the driver to make a left. When at a traffic light, inform the driver the millisecond the light turns green. When being picked up as a passenger, bring a messy powdered sugar donut and a large uncovered cup of coffee. Then, complain whenever the driver hits a bump in the road. When directing the driver to make a left turn, tell him to make a "You-turn". When directing the driver to make right turn, tell him to make a "Me-turn". When giving directions, tell the driver to turn after you pass the intersection. When giving the driver directions, always mean to say one thing and tell the driver another. Then when the driver gets confused and passes a turn, yell. When in the middle lane in heavy traffic, tell the driver that you really need to be in the right lane. Then when you finally cut another car off to be in the right lane, tell the driver you made a mistake and that this lane is going to end. When riding with other passengers, always jump in the front passenger seat and yell "Shotgun!" When traveling straight, tell the driver to get into the left lane. A lane that suddenly becomes a "left-lane-must-turn-left". Whenever possible, adjust all the dashboard controls, including the radio, heat, and fan. Whenever the driver parks, get out and inspect whether or not the car is properly parked within the lines.