Once again, the female staff of the University will be offering courses to men, regardless of marital status. The seminars are in great demand, so please register early.
o 101: Understanding Your Financial Incompetence o 102: We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things For Christmas- Give Us Money
o 101: Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right o 102: The Attainable Goal - Omitting "*#?$@" From Your Vocabulary o 110: How Not to Act Like an Asshole When You're Obviously Wrong
* Environmental Studies
o 101: Garbage - Getting It to the Kerb o 102: Why It Is Unacceptable to Relieve Yourself Anywhere But the Bathroom o 103: You Can Do Housework Too o 104: How to Fill an Icetray o 105: How to Put the Toilet Lid Down (must be taken concurrently with Environmental Studies 106) o 106: Learning to Aim Start - It Can Be Done (must be taken with ES 105)
o 101: How to Stay Awake After Sex o 102: Parenting - It Doesn't End With Conception (also Psych 102) o 103a: You Can Fall Asleep Without It If You Really Try o 103b: The Morning Dilemma - If It's Awake, Take a Shower o 104: Changing Your Underwear - It Really Works o 110: You Too Can Be a Designated Driver o 201: Honest, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson - Especially When You're Naked (also Psych 201)
* Leisure Studies
o 101: The Weekend and Sports Are Not Synonymous o 102: How to Go Shopping With a Woman Without Getting Lost o 110: Helpful Posture Hints for Couch Potatoes
o 100: Combating Stupidity o 101: PMS - Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut o 102: see Health 102 o 103: Understanding the Female Response When You Come In Drunk at 3am o 104: How to Not Act Younger Than Your Children o 111: Give Me a Break - Why We Know Your Excuses are Bullshit o 201: see Health 201 o 250: Learning Self-Control - How Not to Pick Your Nose or Adjust Your Balls in Public
o 101: YOU - The Weaker Sex o 102: Reasons to Give Flowers o 105: Romanticism - Other Ideas Besides Sex o 115: Why Fluffing the Blankets After Farting is Not Necessary o 210: Male Bonding - How to Leave Your Friends At Their Homes
* Textiles and Apparels
o 101: Wonderful Laundry Techniques (Formerly: Don't Wash My Silk) o 102: I'll Wear It If I Damn Well Please o 104: Yes, They Really Smell After Being Worn More Than Once
THE ENGINEER AND THE FROG An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"
FREE TRAVEL A couple of drinking buddies who are airplane mechanics are in the hangar at JFK New York. It's fogged in and they have nothing to do.
One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?"
The other one says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, and it will kinda give you a buzz." So they do drink it, get smashed and have a great time, like only drinking buddies can.
The following morning, one of the men wakes up and he just knows his head will explode if he gets up, but it doesn't. He gets up and feels good. In fact, he feels great! No hangover!
The phone rings. It's his buddy. The buddy says, "Hey, how do you feel?"
"Great", he said! "Just great"! The buddy says, "Yeah, I feel great too, and no hangover. That jet fuel stuff is great. We should do this more often!
"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing . . . "
"Did you fart yet?"
"No . . . "
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Phoenix."
IF DR. SEUSS WROTE FOR STAR TREK Picard Sigma Indri, that's the star, So, Data, please, how far? How far? Data Our ship can get there very fast But still the trip will last and last We'll have two days 'til we arrive But can the Indrans there survive? Picard LaForge, please give us factor nine. Geordi But, sir, the engines are offline! Picard Offline! But why? I want to go! Please make it so, please make it so! Riker But sir, if Geordi says we can't, We can't, we mustn't, and we shan't, The danger here is far too great! Picard But surely we must not be late! Troi I'm sensing anger and great ire. Computer Alert! Alert! The ship's on fire! Picard The ship's on fire? How could this be? Who lit the fire? Riker Not me. Worf Not me. Picard Computer, how long til we die? Computer Eight minutes left to say goodbye. Data May I suggest a course to take? We could, I think, quite safely make Extinguishers from tractor beams And stop the fire, or so it seems... Geordi Hurray! Hurray! You've saved the day! Again I say, Hurray! Hurray! Picard Mr. Data, thank you much. You've saved our lives, our ship, and such. Troi We still must save the Indran planet -- Data Which (by the way) is made of granite... Picard Enough, you android. Please desist. We understand -- we get your gist. But can we get our ship to go? Please, make it so, PLEASE make it so. Geordi There's sabotage among the wires And that's what started all the fires. Riker We have a saboteur? Oh, no! We need to go! We need to go! Troi We must seek out the traitor spy And lock him up and ask him why? Worf Ask him why? How sentimental. I say give him problems dental. Troi Are any Romulan ships around? Have scanners said that they've been found? Or is it Borg or some new threat We haven't even heard of yet? I sense no malice in this crew. Now what are we supposed to do? Crusher Captain, please, the Indrans need us. They cry out, "Help us, clothe us, feed us!" I can't just sit and let them die! A doctor MUST attempt -- MUST try! Picard Doctor, please, we'll get there soon. Crusher They may be dead by Tuesday noon. *COMMERCIAL BREAK, COMMERCIAL BREAK HOW LONG WILL THESE DUMB ADS TAKE?* Worf The saboteur is in the brig. He's very strong and very big. I had my phaser set on stun -- A zzzip! A zzzap! Another one! He would not budge, he would not fall, He would not stun, no, not at all! He changed into a stranger form All soft and purple, round and warm. Picard Did you see this, Mr. Worf? Did you see this creature morph? Worf I did and then I beat him fairly. Hit him on the jaw -- quite squarely. Riker My commendations, Klingon friend! Our troubles now are at an end! Crusher Now let's get our ship to fly And orbit yonder Indran sky! Picard LaForge, please tell me we can go...? Geordi Yes, sir, we can. Picard Then make it so! THE END
SORRY BUT I CAN'T HELP BUT LAUGH HA HA HA HA !!!!!!!!!!!!!1111