A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that was likely to stretch over several months. He approached the owner of the property and held up the check he'd been given. "This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said.
"I know," the owner said, "But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained."
The contractor said, "Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."
One day there were three people. Their names were Manners, Trouble and Shut up. One day they were playing hide and seek. Manners got a tummy ache so he went to the toilet. Trouble was hiding. Shut up was finding Trouble when he met a policeman.
The policeman said, "What is your name?"
The policeman replied, "Are you looking for trouble?"
A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.
She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"
Recently, our town received a grant to build housing for midgets. According to our demographics, they figured that we should have six midgets living here. They sent enough money so that we could finance the building of homes and let the "little people" pay less than the going rate for rent.
Since we have only one "little person" living here it turns out that he won't have to pay anything for the only house we built, the subsidy covers everything. We call it a Stay Free Mini Pad.
When we were looking to buy property I had this over zealous Realtor show us what can only be described as a totally worn-out old farm. I mean the land had just been worked to death. The weeds were hardly even growing.
The smiling super salesman said, "Now really, all this land needs is a little water, a nice cool breeze and some good people."
I replied, "Yeah, I agree, but couldn't the same be said of Hell?"
At a holiday banquet, a handsome young gentleman sits next to a very attractive but quite provocatively dressed young woman. In a moment of self-consciousness, she asks if he thinks that her dress is cut too deeply. Being a gentleman, he ponders how to confirm that without insulting the busty lady. He leans over and says, "Do you have hair on your chest?"
"No," she answers in surprise.
He thinks again and says, "Well, in that case it IS too deeply cut."
A group of young men were sitting around the coffee shop complaining about how hard it was to get by in this day and age.
Bob, an old timer, was listening to them and finally spoke. "You kids don't know what hard times are. Why, when I was your age we were so poor we couldn't afford electricity. Why, we even had to watch television by candle light."
So O.J.'s in court the other day, and he's getting kind of cold. He can't take it anymore, so he stands up and says to Judge Ito, "Judge, it's freezing in here - how about turning up the air condition?"
Ito replies, "Mr. Simpson, this is my courtroom and I'll keep it any temperature I like."
So O.J. says, "Well, okay, but can I have my hat and gloves back?"
One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with too!" he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The rich man replied "No, you don't understand, the grass at my home is about six inches high!"