1. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week. OR ANY KIND OF SHOES
2. Leakproof thermoses will.
3. The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly (jam) side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
4. The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends.
5. The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed or mended...AGAIN YUP!!
6. Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other clothing......NO COMMENT...
7. The item your child lost, and must have for school within the next ten seconds, will be found in the last place you look....MAKING YOU 1/2 HR LATE.
8. Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the treatment room.
9. Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the refrigerator.
10. Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers.
NO COMMENT..........SERIOUSLY NO COMMENT........HA HA HA HA HA..............
You Know You're A Mom When * Your feet stick to the kitchen floor..... and you don't care.
* When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let them out until someone's bleeding.
* You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.
* You spend an entire week wearing sweats.
* Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking bodily fluids on you.
* Popsicle's become a food staple.
* Your favorite television show is a cartoon.
* Peanut butter and jelly is eaten at least in one meal a day.
* You're willing to kiss your child's boo-boo, regardless of what body part it happens to be on.
* Your baby's pacifier falls on the floor and you give it back to her after you suck the dirt off of it because your too busy to wash it off.
* Your kids make jokes about farting, burping, pooping, etc., and you think it's funny.
* You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!
* Spit is your number one cleaning agent.
* You're up each night until 10 PM vacuuming, dusting, wiping, washing, drying, loading, unloading, shopping, cooking, driving, flushing, ironing, sweeping, picking up, changing sheets, changing diapers, bathing, helping with homework, paying bills, budgeting, clipping coupons, folding clothes, putting to bed, dragging out of bed, brushing, chasing, buckling, feeding (them, Not you), PLUS swinging, playing baseball, bike riding, pushing trucks, cuddling dolls, rollerblading, basketball, football, catch, bubbles, sprinklers, slides, nature walks, coloring, crafts, jumping rope, PLUS raking, trimming, planting, edging, mowing, gardening, painting, and walking the dog. You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet ... you still managed to gain 10 pounds.
* In your bathroom there is toothpaste on the light fixtures, water all over the floor, a dog drinking out of the toilet and body hair forming a union to protest unsafe working conditions.
* You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.
* The closest you get to gourmet cooking is making rice krispie bars.
* You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.
* You have time to shave only one leg at a time.
* You hide in the bathroom to be alone.
* Your kid throws up and you catch it.
* Someone else's kid throws up at a party. You keep eating.
* You consider finger paints to be a controlled substance.
* You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons; your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun.
* You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into cute shapes.