Drive Through ATM Procedures Please note that Banks are installing new "Drive-through" teller machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable customers to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up.
* 1 Drive up to the cash machine. * 2 Put down your car window. * 3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN. * 4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. * 5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt. * 6 Put window up. * 7 Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE * 1 Drive up to cash machine. * 2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine. * 3 Set parking Brake, Put the window down. * 4 Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card. * 5 Turn the radio down. * 6 Attempt to insert card into machine. * 7 Attempt to insert card into machine. * 8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car. * 9 Insert card. * 10 Re-insert card the right side up * 11 Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page. * 12 Enter PIN. * 13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN. * 14 Enter amount of cash required. * 15 Check make up in rear view mirror. * 16 Retrieve cash and receipt. * 17 Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside. * 18 Place receipt in back of checkbook. * 19 Re-check make-up again. * 20 Drive forwards 2 feet. * 21 Reverse back to cash machine. * 22 Retrieve card. * 23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided. * 24 Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male drivers queuing behind. * 25 Restart stalled engine and pull off. * 26 Drive for 2 to 3 miles. * 27 Release Parking Brake.
So of course it's difficult to learn the English language.......and learning to spell can be pure guess work.......
a. Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine. b. A backward poet writes inverse. c. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. d. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. e. Practice safe eating - always use condiments. f. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. g. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. h. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. i. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. j. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? k. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. l. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red. m. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. n. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired. o. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.) p. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. q. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes. r. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off. s. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. t. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed. u. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. v. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. w. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. x. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. y. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. z. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. aa. Every calendar's days are numbered. ab. A lot of money is tainted - 'taint yours and 'taint mine. ac. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. ad. He had a photographic memory that was never developed. ae. A plateau is a high form of flattery. af. A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large. ag. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. ah. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall. ai. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis. aj. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. ak. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
While working with Mr. Xxxxxx, I have always found him working studiously and sincerely at his table without gossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom wastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he always finishes the given assignment in time. He is always deeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be found chitchatting in the canteen. He has absolutely no vanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound knowledge of his field. I think he can easily be classed as outstanding, and should on no account be dispensed with. I strongly feel that Mr. Xxxxxx should be pushed to accept promotion, and a proposal to management be sent away as soon as possible.
A second note following the report:
Mr. X was present when I was writing the report mailed to you today. Kindly read only the alternate lines 1, 3, 5, 7, 9,....... for my true assessment of him.
LOVE IT.......LOVE IT .......................LOVE IT
Only In America
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
11. Only in America......can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House.
BLAMESTORMING Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
CHAINSAW CONSULTANT An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
CUBE FARM An office filled with cubicles.
IDEA HAMSTERS People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
MOUSE POTATO The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
PRAIRIE DOGGING When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
SITCOMs (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage) What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
SQUIRT THE BIRD To transmit a signal to a satellite.
STARTER MARRIAGE A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
STRESS PUPPY A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
SWIPED OUT An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
TOURISTS People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists.
TREEWARE Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
XEROX SUBSIDY Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
GOING POSTAL Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.
ALPHA GEEK The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.
ASSMOSIS The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
CHIPS & SALSA Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa.
FLIGHT RISK Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.
GOOD JOB A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" Job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
IRRITAINMENT Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find your-self unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example. Bill Clinton's shameful video Grand Jury testimony is another.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
UNINSTALLED Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice-mail of a vice-president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an Uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance. *(Syn: decruitment.)
VULCAN NERVE PINCH The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the arm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command Key and the Power On key.
YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal, "We each owe $8, but all anybody's got are yuppie food stamps."
SALMON DAY The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
CLM - Career Limiting Move Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
ADMINISPHERE The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
DILBERTED To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
404 Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
"Don't bother asking him . . . he's 404, man."
GENERICA Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. Used as in "We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were in."
OHNOSECOND That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
UMFRIEND A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Dylan, my ... um ... friend