A FRIEND AND MYSELF WERE ON THE BUS PLAYING WITH OUR MOB'S ... BOTH HAVING THE SAME SOUND WE DECIDED TO PLAY IT....(OUT LOUD)....WE WERE SITTING IN THE MIDDLE OF A SINGLE DECKER BUS BESIDE THE PRAM SPACE....IN FRONT OF ME IS A YOUNGISH WOMAN WITH HER BACKSIDE ON THE BAR.... SO I PUT MY PHONE UNDER BAG (WHICH WAS ON MY KNEE)...... AND ....WELL YOU CAN JUST ABOUT GUESS WHAT HAPPENED NEXT......DA WOMAN WAS LOOKING AROUND HER TO SEE WHO WAS WEEEEING.....NOW REMEMBER I'M SITTING BEHIND THE WOMAN MY FRIEND IS BESIDE ME...THE WOMAN CAN'T SEE ME SO I AM CRACKING UP.................. MY FROEND LOOKS AT ME AND CRACKS UP TOO................BUT NOT LONG AFTERWARDS WE HAVE TO CONTROL OURSELVES AS THERE IS A SPY IN THE MIDST....... SO FOR TEH REST O THE JOURNEY WE HAD TO BEHAVE.....................BOY THAT WAS HARD.......................BUT WE DID GET OUR MAD MOMENTS IN..... WITH TWO SHOPS................. 1ST SHOP NOT SO FUNNY........SECOND WELL GO TO
SHE'LL TELL YOU MORE DETAILS AS TO WHAT WE DID IN THE SHOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Q. What do you call the temperature between two west virginians? A. Relative Humidity
You know how they use to give immigrants a test when they came to America?
Well the last question on the test was to use pink, green and yellow in a sentence.
So when the Mexican had his turn he answered the last question: "When the phone goes 'GREEN GREEN GREEN' I PINK it up and say 'YELLOW?'"
ha ha ha.........I KNOW ITS BEEN DONE BEFORE..........................
I have a question
A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?
The father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater?"
Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, the father repied. "Don't rightly know son." Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"
The father replied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'."
A new primary school teacher starts her first day of class. She begins by asking students to stand and introduce themselves
The first child stands and says, "My name is Mary Johnson."
"Thank you, Mary", says the teacher.
The second student says, "My name is Sam Smith."
"Thank you, Sam."
The third student says, "My name is Johnny Fuckhour."
The teacher is horrified, and tells Johnny that this type of language will not be allowed. He replies, "Honest, my name is Johnny Fuckhour. If you don't believe me, check up in the fifth grade where my brother is."
So the teacher walks up to the fifth grade class, and asks, "Do you have a Fuckhour in here?"
One boy stands in the back of the room and says, "Hell, no! We don't even get a nap hour in here!"
HA HA HA HA
When Fishermen Meet
BIT - A word used to describe computers, as in "Our daughter's computer cost quite a bit."
BOOT - What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about your computer skill.
BUG - What your eyes do after you stare at the tiny green computer screen for more than 15 minutes. Also: What computer magazine companies do to you after they get you on their mailing list.
CHIPS - The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals.
COPY - What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much time playing games on your computer and not enough time studying.
CURSOR - What you turn into when you can't get your computer to perform, as in "You %@& computer!"
DISK - What goes out of your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seven hours at a clip.
DUMP - The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install games on your computer.
ERROR - What you made when you first walked into a computer showroom "just to look."
EXPANSION UNIT - The new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all its peripherals.
FILE - What a secretary can now do to her nails six and a half hours a day, now that the computer does her day's work in 30 minutes.
FLOPPY - The condition of a constant computer user's stomach due to lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food (see "CHIPS").
HARDWARE - Tools, such as lawnmowers, rakes and other heavy equipment you haven't laid a finger on since getting your computer.
IBM - The kind of missile your family members and friends would like to drop on your computer so you'll pay attention to them again.
MENU - What you'll never see again after buying a computer because you'll be too poor to eat in a restaurant.
PROGRAMS - Those things you used to look at on your television before you hooked your computer up.
RETURN - What lots of people do to their computers after they receive their first billing from their internet service provider.
TAB - What your friends pick up when they meet you for lunch because you spent all your money on new software.
TERMINAL - A place where you can find buses, trains and really good deals on hot computers.
WINDOW - What you heave the computer out of after you accidentally erase a program that took you three days to set up.
Why did the squirrel sleep on his stomach?
To keep his nuts warm!
There was this American tourist in Mexico, and he was getting tired of walking around, so he went up to a donkey rental place and said, ''Can I rent a donkey?'
The guy said, "We don't call them donkeys here, we call them asses. This is the only ass I have left, and you have to scratch him when you want to make him stop."
The guy rides his ass for a while, sees a hotdog stand, and asks for a hotdog. The vendor replies, "We don't call them hotdogs here we call the wieners."
Meanwhile his donkey is wandering away, so he goes up to another tourist and says "Will you hold my wiener whille I scratch my ass?"
JUST FOR YOU LA....THOUGHT YOU MIGHT LIKE IT
At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach, "now go over there and explain it to your mother."
If Men made the Rules
1. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
2. If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret, girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
3. If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
4. It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.
5. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?
6. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
7. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
8. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
9. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.
10. Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
11. When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.
12. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
Why are dumb blonde jokes only one liners?
So men can understand them!
HA HA HA HA
60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
OK OK DEEP BREATH.................BEFORE YOU GO ON......................IN AND OUT, IN AND OUT......GOOD YOU GOT IT NOW READ ON.........................
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?
HA HA HA HA HA....GASPING FOR AIR.....HERE.........LOL
Men are like toilets -- either they're taken, or full of crap!
What men hear when women speak
What a woman says: "This place is a mess C'mon, you and I need to clean up.
Your stuff is lying on the floor, and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do laundry right now!"