High Tech Marketing Buzzwords - What They Really Mean NEW - Different color from previous design ALL NEW - Parts not interchangeable with previous design EXCLUSIVE - Imported product UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition DESIGNED SIMPLICITY - Manufacturer's cost cut to the bone FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it IT'S HERE AT LAST! - Rush job; Nobody knew it was coming FIELD-TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had big argument with distributor YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one that works REVOLUTIONARY - It's different from our competitors BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a way to sell it FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does DISTINCTIVE - A different shape and color than the others MAINTENANCE-FREE - Impossible to fix RE-DESIGNED - Previous faults corrected, we hope... HAND-CRAFTED - Assembly machines operated without gloves on PERFORMANCE PROVEN - Will operate through the warranty period MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours ALL SOLID-STATE - Heavy as Hell! BROADCAST QUALITY - Gives a picture and produces noise HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it SMPTE BUS COMPATIBLE - When completed, will be shipped by Greyhound NEW GENERATION - Old design failed, maybe this one will work MIL-SPEC COMPONENTS - We got a good deal at a government auction CUSTOMER SERVICE ACROSS THE COUNTRY - You can return it from most airports UNPRECEDENTED PERFORMANCE - Nothing we ever had before worked THIS way BUILT TO PRECISION TOLERANCES - We finally got it to fit together SATISFACTION GUARANTEED - Manufacturer's, upon cashing your check MICROPROCESSOR CONTROLLED - Does things we can't explain LATEST AEROSPACE TECHNOLOGY - One of our techs was laid off by Boeing
THIS IS WHAT THEY ACTUALLY MEAN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stages of an employee Neophyte - Comes to work on time. Leaves a little early. Takes long lunches off site. Majority of life is still outside of work. Has no real responsibility. Happy to do any task, like cleaning crumbs out of your keyboard. Cannot believe s/he is getting paid so much to talk to college buddies on the phone and surf the Internet all day. Life is great!
Entry Level - Arrives and leaves on time. Feels important when boss asks him/her to work late and does so without hesitation. Brags to friends, "I chose the typeface for the IBM presentation". Considers a $25 bonus as indicator of undying company loyalty. Eats at desk on occasion. Life is pretty good.
Worker - Leaves late occasionally. Never calls in sick just to take the day off anymore. Is entirely responsible for meaningless projects, like changing "Systems Group" to "Technology Group" in all company documentation. Still comes into work with hangovers. Personal life is unknowingly vanishing. Is excited by a tiny raise and small promotion. Life is good.
Employee - Arrives early on occasion. Leaves late fairly often. Eats lunch at desk every day. Only has 1 or 2 remaining friends outside of work. Is actually responsible for real work that, if screwed up, will not damage the company significantly. Still has time to use company perks like hockey tickets. Life is OK.
Level 2 - Arrives early. Usually the last one to leave. Life is consumed by reports containing meaningless blocks of numbers. Derives all self-esteem from company and superiors' approbation. Spends entire paycheck on objects that elevate status and image. Is totally immersed in work and loves it. Can do nothing but collapse in front of the TV to watch 90210 the few hours s/he is home. Life is stressful.
Level 3 - Same as Level 2 except their work actually affects the success of the firm. Doesn't enjoy work anymore even though the salary is obscene and it keeps them away from their spouse all day. Considers quitting, but has large mortgage payment and doesn't want to give up the wide screen TV. Doesn't know what to do on a day off. Life is hell.
Manager - Tells other people what to do. Loves the power. Has to continually prove worthiness to managers up the food chain. Always works late in order to do the real work that can't be done during the day. Has 5 times as many business outfits as friends. Home life starts to break down. Life is stressful.
Middle Manager - Spends all day describing things with buzzwords. Considers key employees, pens, and contents of recycling bin as resources. Still works late, but only for a conference or client. Sometimes in winter, sees the sun after it rises or before it sets, unlike Level 2s, 3s, and managers. Has no friends or home life. Life is OK.
Upper Manager - Likes looking at reports and talking at meetings. Usually leaves work on time, except when leaving early to play golf with other Upper Managers. Hardly ever needs to brown nose anyone anymore. No longer owns jeans. Cannot remember ever taking public transportation. Life is good.
Executive - Despite having vast riches and grown children, chooses to come to work because it's fun. Says things like, "We need more market penetration in Liberia" and over the next few months, it happens. If it doesn't, the executive must do even more work by saying, "Why don't we have market penetration in Liberia?" Magically, it happens and executive is called a visionary. Life is great!
Job Application Lingo COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up well.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend.
DUTIES WILL VARY: Anyone in the office can boss you around.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL: We have no quality control.
CAREER-MINDED: Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
APPLY IN PERSON: If you're old, fat, or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS: You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I've used Microsoft Word.
I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies.
MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
I'M PERSONABLE: I talk to other employeess at least 3 hours every work day.
I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a day planner and wear fancy shoes.
I AM ADAPTABLE: I've been fired a lot.
HA HA HA HA................
Occupational Descriptions An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. (Laurence J. Peter)
A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there. (Charles R. Darwin)
A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.
A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief." (Franz Kafka)
A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children... YUP THATS ME ............LOL
A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.