RESTAURANT ETIQUETTE A man is crawling through the Sahara desert when he is approached by another man riding on a camel. As the rider approaches, the crawling man whispers through his parched lips, "Water ... please ... can you give ... water ..."
"I'm sorry," replies the man on the camel, "I don't have any water with me. But I'd be delighted to sell you a necktie."
"Necktie?" whispers the man. "I need water!"
"They're only four dollars apiece."
"I need water."
"Okay, okay, two for seven dollars."
"Please! I need water!" the man exclaims.
"I don't have any water, all I have are ties," replies the salesman, as he heads off into the distance.
By now the man has lost all track of time, crawling through the desert seemingly for days. Finally, nearly dead, with clothes tattered and skin peeling under the relentless sun, he comes upon a restaurant. Summoning his last bit of strength, he staggers to the door and confronts the head waiter.
"Water ... can I get ... water," the dying man pleads.
"I'm sorry, sir. Neckties required," replies the waiter.
ha ha ha
A guy goes into a restaurant A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."
HA HA HA HA HA..
Spuds Some people are very bossy and like to tell others what to do, but don't want to soil their own hands. They are called ..."Dick Tators." "Poten Tators" always want to be the big shots.
Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are just content to watch while others do the work. They are called ..."Speck Tators." "Ro Tators" are always trying to change things.
Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding fault with the way others do the work. They are called ..."Comment Tators."
Some people are always looking to cause problems by asking others to agree with them. It is too hot or too cold, too sour or too sweet. They are called ..."Agie Tators", "Irri Tators," or "Devas Tators."
There are those who say they will help, but somehow just never get around to actually doing the promised help. They are called ... "Hezzie Tators" or "Vege Tators."
Some people can put up a front and pretend to be someone they are not. They are called ..."Emma Tators."
Then there are those who love and do what they say they will. They are always prepared to stop whatever they are doing and lend a helping hand. They bring real sunshine into the lives of others. They are called ..."Sweet Tators."
Then some of these people that are commonly known as tators have children. They are called ..."Tator Tots."
But it's "Facili Tators", "Cogi Tators" and "Medi Tators" who always save the day and get everyone pulling together.
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
Dieter's Recital My appetite is my shepherd, I always want. It maketh me sit down and stuff myself. It leadeth me to my refrigerator repeatedly Sometimes during the night. It leadeth me in the path of Burger King for a Whopper. It destroyeth my shape. Yea, though I knoweth I gaineth, I will not stop eating, For the food tasteth so good. The ice cream and the cookies, they comfort me. When the table is spread before me, it exciteth me. For I knoweth that I sooneth shall dig in. As I filleth my plate continuously. My clothes runneth smaller. Surely bulges and pudgies shall follow me All the days of my life And I shall be "pleasingly plump" forever.
I'M SORRY BUT I HAD TO PUT IT IN !!!!!!!!!!!
Artichokes Arti was a real loser. Every job and every idea he ever had turned out wrong. He thought to himself, if I went into business for myself, maybe, just maybe I can do well. He thought and he thought, what could he do. It came to him, he would be a HIT MAN.
The next day he put a classified ad in the newspaper reading, "I am Arti, I will be your HIT MAN. Give me a call and I will kill anyone you want rubbed out."
Well that very day Arti receives his first call. The caller asks if it were true that Arti would indeed kill anyone and Arti assured him that was the case.
The man told Arti he wanted his wife killed. Arti said, "Fine, but how much will you pay me?"
The man replied, "$1.00."
Arti said, "No way, bullets cost more than that."
The man replied, "Look, take it or leave it. Many people would kill my wife for free, but I don't want to be obligated."
Arti thought it over and figured he could use the practice so he said, "OK, tell me about your wife, how can I find her?"
The man said, "In the produce department at Food-Mart, every day at four o'clock she is there. She wears a yellow outfit and is always complaining about something."
Arti decides that he will go there and choke her. At least he will save himself the cost of bullets. Sure enough, she is in the produce department of Food-Mart complaining about the fruit being either too hard or too soft.
Arti reaches behind her and chokes her. As she fall to the floor, she makes a gasp. The manager of the produce department turns around and sees what has happened and calls out. Arti lunges at the manager and chokes him.
Just as the manager falls to the floor, a lady sees what has happened and screams out. Arti grabs her chokes her and runs out of the supermarket.
He is captured a block away. What does the headline of the newspaper read?
ARTI CHOKES THREE FOR A DOLLAR AT FOOD-MART!
NO COMMENT NO COMMENT!!!!!!!!!!!
Signs Found In The Kitchen So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust!
Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!
Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.
If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
I would cook dinner, but I can't find the can opener!
My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
If you don't like my standards of cooking, lower your standards.
Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, converse. It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse.
A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand!
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
My next house will have no kitchen, just vending machines.
I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump.
WHO'S IN CHARGE? All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "Because I process food and give all of your energy."
"I should be in charge!" demanded the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in and all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral Of The Story: You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an asshole!!