YOU WOULD THINK THAT IF SOMEONE WAS MEANT TO COME AND VISIT THEY WOULD ACTUALLY CALL AND SAY THEY CAN'T MAKE IT........... WELL ALL I CAN DO IS TAKE MY FRUSTRATIONS OUT BY GETING YOU LOT TO LAUGH..ESP YOU KNOW WHO......
Blondes and Lawyers A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question.
"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer,
"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says,
"Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. So much for smart lawyers and dumb blondes!
Lawyers! What is the difference between a dead run-over skunk and a dead run-over lawyer? * There is skid marks in front of the skunk.
What is black and brown and looks great on a lawyer? * A Doberman.
What do you call 100 lawyers parachuting out of a airplane? * Skeet.
Why don't standard law practices allow lawyers to have sexual relations with their clients? * They don't want the clients to think that they are paying twice for what is essentially the same service.
What do you have when ten lawyers are buried up to their necks in sand? * Not enough sand.
Actual questions asked of witnesses from the Massachusetts Bar Assoc. Lawyers Journal. No joke:
1. Now doctor, isn't true that when a person dies in his sleep he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
2. The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?
3. Were you present when your picture was taken?
4. Were you alone or by yourself?
5. Was it you or your brother who was killed in the war?
6. Did he kill you?
7. How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
8. You were there until the time you left, is that true?
9. Q: She had three children right? A: Yes Q: How many of them were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls?
10. Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
11. Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
12. Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male or a female?
13. Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice that I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how i dress when I go to work.
14. Q: Doctor how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
15. Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral.
16. Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
17. Q: Mr Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon didn't you? A: I went to europe sir. Q: And you took your new wife?
18. Q: So the date of conception was August 8th? A: Yes Q: And what were you doing at the time?
19. Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? A: I have been since early childhood.
20. Q: You were not shot in the fracas? A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
TALK ABOUT DUMB QUESTIONS............LOL........................LOL.......................
Lawyer Humor These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place:
Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan.
Q: And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximately milepost 499. Q: And where is milepost 499? A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ? A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? A: After the accident? Q: Before the accident. A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? A: Yes. Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? A: Yes, sir. Q: What did she say? A: What disco am I at?
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.