Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass. He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?"
The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, "I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant-um you one wish."
A stuffy matron is with a new man in a top restaurant. The onion soup gets to her, and as the waiter is serving the main dishes she lets loose a bombastic fart. Trying to save face, she says to the waiter, "Sir! Please stop that immediately."
"Certainly, madame," replies the waiter with a bow. "Which way was it headed?"
Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!"
The other woman turned to her and said, "I know! I heard it snoring!"
There was a cowboy who went to the outhouse. He heard a noise, so he looked inside. Lo and behold, there was an Indian down in the hole. The cowboy said, "How long have you been down there in that awful hole?"
The Perfect Dump - Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.
The Beer Dump - Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper's tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. it could have been 2 or 22, it doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.
The Chili Dump - Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili dump stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield.
The Cable Dump - Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13 telephone CO-axial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, "DID I DO THAT? Where did it come from?" you leave the bathroom pleased with yourself.
The Latrine Dump - In case you didn't know, a latrine is a hole in the ground with a tent around it where soldiers, boy scouts and flies go to dump. Tip: Don't ever, ever look in the hole.
The Mona Lisa Dump - This is the masterpiece of dumps. It's as perfectly formed as it can be. Delicate and slender with intricacies that would make da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it yourself. You may even want to break out the Polaroid, but maybe that's going a bit too far.
The Empty Roll Dump - You're done...you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains...no, someone would say "Where are the curtains?" Then what would you say? The rug?...too cumbersome. Then you must come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper" must face...Pull up your slacks, tighten your tush and wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll.
The Splash Back Dump - You send the dump on its way, it drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that washes your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet and embarrassed. Tip: Blot instead of wiping.
The Aborted Dump - You are in mid-dump when the phone rings. What do you do? ABORT! Pinch it off, go for the phone, and save the rest for later. It isn't pretty, but you've gotta do what you gotta do
The Caesarian Dump - Pain, that's what this dump and childbirth have in common. Its simply a case of too much dump trying to go through too small a hole, and there's no obstetrician to help.
The Alfresco Dump - Everyone has had to go outdoors from time to time. This can be a rather pleasant experience really. The open air, the nature, and a good bush all contribute to the peaceful ambiance that our primitive forefathers must have enjoyed. What can screw up this harmonious interlude is a troop of brownies or a patch of poison ivy.
The Childbirth Dump - This is a dump that is simply too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for the purpose. You sit there, thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and it isn't going to get any better. You wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf". You realize you'll have to resolve the crisis before you can leave the bathroom. Basically there are only three things you can do:
1. Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3. Hope like hell have enough Vaseline to get you through it.
The Tijuana Trot Dump - The phrase "Sh*t Happens" really applies here in a big way. When the ice in your tainted margarita makes contact with your lower intestinal tract, the fun begins. For the next 72 hours you'd be better off if you carried your own portable toilet with you because you will spend most of that time on the pot and the rest of the time in a fetal position. Now you realize why Mexico never had a navy.
The Machine Gun Dump - You're just sitting there in a state of sublime peace when all of a sudden you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the silence like machine gun fire. The guy in the next stall hits the floor like a combat veteran cradling his umbrella like an M16...damn commies.
The Sound Effect Dump - You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is obviously very important here. At the precise moment of release, try the following sound effects:
1. Flush the toilet 2. Sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem 3. Drop a handful of quarters on the floor
The Security Dump - You have enough on your mind when you're in the bathroom without worrying about a lockless door and someone bursting in to find you in mid-dump mode. So how can you prevent this embarrassing spectacle from taking place? One way is to strategically place your foot against the door. If you can't reach to do this...hum loudly
The Cling-On Dump - For the most part you've completed your dump, but there's one little morsel that refuses to drop off. You're getting impatient. Someone else wants to use your stall. So, you grip the seat with both hands and wriggle, twist and pump but that last little stubborn piece just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the bowl water. Maybe the person pounding impatiently on the door has scissors
The Houdini Dump - You go, then you stand up to flush, and the darn thing has disappeared. Where'd it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you wipe...maybe you should just to make sure you went. Should you flush? you'd better, because if you don't, you know it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in
The Flu Dump - You feel so bad that you don't know which end of you to put down first. You have roaring cramps, so you sit down. Then a wave of nausea rolls over you like a cold fog, so you stand up and cramps squeeze your intestines like a vice so you sit down again...up down up down. Don't you wish Mom were close by?
The Porta-Pottie Dump - Construction workers and outdoor concert goers will tell you about going in a portable toilet. My best description would be, "Its like taking a shit in an upright coffin". Its claustrophobic and it smells bad...best advice...go in a paper cup.
The Proctologist Dump - In the beginning, the lord created the earth, the sky and the firmament, but I hope he didn't create this dump, because there is nothing biblical about it, you run out of gas. That's right, you run out of propulsion. The dump is right there at the end of your barrel and refuses to go any further. You grunt, you squeeze, you wriggle but it just stays there like a lump of lead. You've only got two choices here. One is to squeeze the damn thing back up your intestine and wait until next time. The other is to pretend you're a proctologist and go after it yourself. Not a pretty picture is it??
The Whole Roll Dump - No matter how much you wipe, it doesn't seem to be enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too. The whole episode is consumer waste.
The Graffiti Dump - You flush the dump and the swirling motion of the receding bowl water forces the dump to the porcelain sides, scraping a creative squiggle on its way down. You flush again but the curlicue hangs there...love it or leave it. Its your choice.
The Encore Dump - Ahhhh, you're done, so you wipe, put yourself together, wash your hands and are about to vacate the bathroom when you feel another dump coming. You have to return for a curtain call. The world's record is seven encores.
The Born Again Dump - This is a dump that's going so badly, you say "Lord, if I live through this, I'll take up religion" you always get through it, but seldom keep the promise you made in desperation, because a born again dump is like childbirth...you forget the pain quickly.
Ghost Poopie The kind where you feel the Poopie come out, but there's no poopie in the toilet.
Clean Poopie The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
Wet Poopie The kind where you wipe your butt fifty times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't runie them with a stain.
Second Wave Poopie The kind that happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize you have to poopie some more.
Turtle Poopie The kind of poopie that pops out a little and goes back in a few times before it finallly comes out
Pop-a-Vein-in-your-Forehead-Poopie The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
Lincoln Log Poopie The kind of Poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the plunger.
Gas-sy Poopie The kind where it's so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling!
Drinker Poopie The kind of Poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.
Corn Poopie (Self explanatory)
Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poop Poopie The kind where you want to Poopie, but all you do is it on the toilet and fart a few times.
Spinal Tap Poopie That's the kind when it hurts so badly coming out, you swear it was leaving you sideways.
Wet Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump) The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt cheeks get spashed with water.
Liquid Poopie The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots you of your butt and spashes all over the toilet bowl.
Mexican Poopie The kind that smells so bad your nose burns.
Upper Class Poopie The kind of Poopie that doesn't smell.
The Suprise Poopie You are not even at the toilet, because you are sure you are about to fart, but, OOPS---a Poopie!
The Dangling Poopie This Poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done poopie-ing. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.
Fisherman's Bobber Poopie You are in a public restroom with two people waiting on your stall, you poopie and flush two times, but several golfball pieces are still floating above the water line.
Other Poop Names 3-Colier (impressively long) A Donald (from England, Donald Trump rhymes with dump) A doo yoo moosed A horse peaking out of the barn ABC -- another bad creation Admiral Browning Afterburner AGB- after grog bog air out the anus air out the ass Alley apple Anal leakage Another one bites the dust arc one out ass sneezing Ass piss (or AP) Ass Rocket Ass-Opening Experience Baby arm Baby makes cake back the big brown caddy out of the garage Backdoor stinger Backing out the finless brown trout ba-doop Bag of goodies Bait My Traps bajsa Bake a brownie Bake a loaf Bake a potato Bake a russet Bake bread Bake brie bake brownies Barbarians at the gate BarBQ nuggets Battle the beast Beans in the bowl Bearding the bowl Become a logger Beef Jerky Beer Deuce -- the nasty dump after a long night of drinking Beware of number 2 Big brown man knocking on the back door Big Greasy One -- the one you get about once a month or so, and it is so big that it is worth tellin big jobby Birth Chocolate Babies Birth the Brown Nosed Weasel bite a train Blast a deuce Blast a dookie Blastin' turds bloop blow blow some mud bob for apples Blow chocolate Blow holes in the ozone Blow Mud Blow out an o-ring Blowin it up -- stinking up the bathroom bog buang air besar Bomb Pearl Harbor Bomb Porcelanistan Bomb the Bay Bomb the Bowl Bomb the White House Bombing the Ty-D-Bowl man Bombs over Crapdat Boo Boo Boom Boom Bowel Movement Bowl-freckling Brag Brawl with the serpent Break porcelain Bronze some beef medallions Brown art Brown Cola Brown Pee Bud Mud -- crap after drinking Build a dookie castle Build a log cabin Building a rocket Bum Bucker Beaties--when all your sweat glands turn to anuses and you die of the drizzlin shits burial at sea burners Bury a Quaker bury cable Business Bust a crap bust a dook bust a shit Bust Ass Bustin' a purge Butt cough Butt lumps Butt nuggets Butt Pee Butt Stick Butt-cracker Butter tarts Butter the roll Butt-rock cagando Call of nature call one's uncle christen the comfort station Cannon Baaall! Captain's log Carpet bombing Cast your pellet Celtic pride -- green poo Chasing ducks Check your bags Choco suprise Chocolate gone bad Chocolate Iceberg Chocolate Shark Choke a brownie Choke a darkie Chop a log chuck the football Cigar between the Cheeks Clank clean one's colon Cleanse the colon Clear out the pipes clear the air cocken clumsy brown trout Coco Pebbles Coil some rope Colon cowboy Commit yourself to the dumpatorium Conduct a movement Conducting Air Strikes Over Porcelainastan Cook a brown carrot Cook a brown kielbasa Cook a butt burrito Cook a meat loaf in the porcelain saucepan cook some beans Cook some chocolate Cook some fudge Cook some sausage Cook up a pot of anal stew cop a shit crap Cop a squat Cotton-sniffing turtle Cow Pie Crack the whip crackin' a rat Crack Off An Oily Mud-Hen Crank out a tube-steak Crankin' a Hanky Cranking out the Chocolate Soft-Serve Crap Crap on a stick Crowning -- like when a babies head begins to appear Curl some pipe cut off a load Dance with the white ribbons (TP) Dancing of the Dingleberries Danglers Dart -- as in diarrhea fart Debulk Defecate defecate desecrate the throne room dispatch a Yankee Dense fart Dirty Hail Dirty Snap Dirty up the bowl Disembowel Disemfiber dive bomb do a dog do business with John Do a job do one's daily duty do one's dirt do poopsie do the doo Do the Royal Squat Do your duty doggie bag Doo Doo Doo Doo Brown Doodie Doogler Dookie Dookie Houser down the periscope down the proctoscope Download some brownware Download some Software Draw mud Drawing mud Drill for mud bunnies Drop Drop a bomb drop a brick Drop a brown trout drop a chalupa Drop a Deuce Drop a dookie drop a fat load Drop a grogan Drop a load drop a load drop an atomic bomb Drop a log drop a nuke Drop a spike Drop a splunker Drop a stool drop a wad in the porcelain god drop one from the poop deck Drop anchor Drop ass drop ass goblins Drop Loggy Log Drop off the Cosby Kids drop one's wax drop some bait drop some friends off at the lake Drop Smokies (when camping in the winter) Drop the "S" bomb Drop the Chalupa Drop the cosby kids off at the pool Drop the Huxtables off at the pool Drop the kids off at the pool Drop the wax Drop wolf bait Drop your ordinance Droppin' a log Droppin' bags droppin house Droppin' wofate Droppin' wolf bait Dropping pods Dump dump a load dump truck Dump a stump dump dump a dead grandma Dump human waste Dump like a truck, truck Dump your cargo Dunk the funk ease nature een drol draaien Easter Eggs Elephant droppings empty the manure spreader empty the poop shoot Enjoy a meatball sandwich Entertaining the Peanut Gallery Erupt the upside down volcano Evacuate evacuate one's bowels excrete fecal matter Farm potatoes Fast Freight to Fudge City Fat digger Fecal matter Fecalus Magma (Montezuma's Revenge) Feces Feed the Devil feed the dog feed the goldfish fill the pot Feel the need Fertilize the lawn Fill the peanut butter jar Filling the Pit with Kingsford fire a brownie Fire in the hole Firing the Napalm (harsh diarrhea) Float a sea-pickle Float a swan Float a trout Float some timber Float the Falcon flunk a dunk flying walendas Fold in the Cocoa Fold in the Raisins Fold in the Chocolate Chips Foul yourself Free the Americans free the chickens from the coop free the legless dog to sea Free the Slaves frisbee a bun fudge frog a log gagas Georgia Brown get a burning desire to sit on porcelain give birth to a black eel Get your dijon Get your grumpy on Ghost Poopie: the kind where you work really hard, but no poopie Gigantus Poopus Give birth to a brown baby boy Give birth to a fecal baby Give birth to a giant corn-eyed buttsnake Give birth to a Marine give birth to a marine give birth to submarines give of oneself give sacrifice to the porcelain god Give birth to a packy Give birth to Meatloaf's daughter go backwards go clip a yam go cocky Go crush a pig Go dump in the night Go Fecen' go for a Tom Tit go grunt go number 2 Go into dump mode Go into labor Go let a grogan go go pop Go see a man about a dog Go see a man about a dog with a long neck go stinky Go take a [enter the name of the person who you are talking to] go to bog Go to the bathroom go to the library Go to the Plop Plop room Gone loggin' Got the cramp Grand Poo Bah -- the first poop is really big and the rest are mere pebbles Grapes of Wrath Grate cheese Grease the bowl Green green apple splatters grow a tail Grow a Tail grump Grunt Hail Caesar Hairy Mary hang a rat Hang with Mr. Pooper Hangin' a monkey tail Hangin' Mud Hatch a new boss Hatch a new superintendent have a bowel movement have a turtle head poke out Have a lumberjack meeting Have a shit have some fun Having a brown baby Heading into Surgery Heave a Havana Heavy artillery help out Dunkin' Donuts Helping Pillsbury Henry Parsons Died Hershey Squirts Hibernate Hiroshima Hit paydirt hit the can honey dip jakksy Hit the growler Hit the Hershey Highway Hit the hopper Hork a loaf Horse apple Hot Mud Syndrome -- burning exceptionally Hunt For A Shingle foul poop I got a turtle head pokin out Incoming jumpers away Ka-Ka kakat kaknel Ka-Ploomps Ka-thunk Kerplunk kill a dead eagle King Kenneth - when you poop so much it piles up above the water line. Knit a Brown Sweater Kreplach Launch a Brown Missile Launch a Butt Shuttle launch a log Launch a Scud (from Desert Storm Days) Launch a sea pickle launch a sub Launch a torpedo Lay a brick Lay a cable Lay a log lay a turd lay some sledge Lay an egg lay bricks Lay Cable lay cable Lay logs lay pipe Lay rubber Lay some cable Layin a lethal log Laying a TransAtlantic cable leave a deposit leave a shit let the dogs loose Leave a lead pipe Leave a steamer Leave some used food let the firetrucks loose Let the miners out Lethal log Letting the kids out to swim Lincoln Logs Lincoln Logs on the Mississippi Link some sausage Liquid Fart Little Bo Poop Load the crapper Log out Logging out Loose change and sand lose a farting contest lose ten pounds in one Low Altitude Bombing Mach ein Sheiss -- German for "make a shit" Magnus Dumpus make a chocolate hamburger Make a core dump Make a delivery Make a deposit Make a deposit at the porcelain bank make a deposit in the drop box make a deposit in the porcelain bank Make a doo-doo Make a doozy make a house make a little junk make a loaf make a pass Make a log Make a log entry Make a mess make everything come out all right make poopie make the donuts Make grunt sculpture Make mud Make room for lunch Make sausage Make some fertilizer make the people in the apartment below scream in agony Make waste Makin' a hole in one Makin' change Making brownies Making gravy Making statues of JETS fans man the deck meditate misfart mold an action figure minute make make a caca MOAB - Mother Of All Bombs Montezuma's Revenge Moons over my assy Motion Move the mail Move your bowels Mud slide murder a mud bunny murder a shit Must be the puppy chow Nasty Pickle Nature calls Negotiating the release of some hostages Nuclear meltdown Number 3 (a combo of 1+2) Number two Numere Due Numero dos Offering a sacrifice to the porcelain gods Offload some freight One wiper Open wide and let it slide Open your bowels Pack your underwear Paint the bowl (especially for a really wet one) Paint the White House black Paint with the brown stuff park a load pay a visit to the old soldier's home pay one's doctor bill Park some bark Park your breakfast Peel out People who like sausages shouldn't see how they're made!! Percolating Butt Coffee Pinch a loaf piss backwards Pitch a biscuit pitch a log plant potatoes Plant some corn Play at the Toilet Bowl Playing Hide And Seek With A Mud Turtle Plonk Plonks Plop plop a load plunk Plunge! Poke the turtle's head out Poo Poo Lump Poocaino Poop Poop Diddy Poop goes the weasel poot Pop a deuce Pop a Grogan Pop a Squat Post a letter Postin' up on the blaster Power dump Prairie-dogging it press a loaf purp Pull a Najeh Davenport Punch a grumpy Punish the porcelain push brown Pushin cotton Pushin' mud Put fruit in the bowl Put the Nelson on the train (Mandela) Putting an end to farts Recycle fiber recycle some cellulose refill the bowl with chili Release a hostage Release some blind baby seals into the wild Release the hounds Release the turds Release your payload relieve oneself relieve the bowels Relieve yourself Return of the shit demon revolve the beavers Rhesus Pieces Richard Simmons Poopy - Poop so much you lose 10 pounds Ride the hoop ride the porcelain pony scheissen Ride the porcelian pony Rocky Mountain Mud Slide (a night after drinking Coors) Roll a Blunt Roll a log Roll a Nut Log Roll logs Rounding second and heading straight into home Sausage link Saw off a log Scat Scooby Doo Screamer See a man about a horse Seek revenge for the Brown Bomber send a fax send a log to float send some sailors to sea Sending the Browns to the Super Bowl Serving up the Poo Poo platter Sewer assalts Shake a brown bomber Shake a tit Shart (when you think you're going to fart and you shit yourself) Shat Sheet Shit shittin a brick shittin my dick off shoot a dog Shoot a duke shoot bunnies Shoot the deuce shump Sink a few logs Sink a link Sink a sausage sink submarines sit on the crapper Sink the Bismark Sink the Titanic Sir Poops-Alot Sit on the bowl Sit on the can Sit on the throne sit on the throne sit on the throne of porcelain Sjvsdtta en barkbet (in Sweden) Skidmarks Skipping brown rocks skita Slam Slam into a Slim-jim Slay the dragon Smash smell up the house with horrible turd fumes smoke a brown dooby Smoking a cigar Snap a log Snappin' a Coiler Snuff a grumpy soil one's pants sparkle Soil yourself Solid farts spend a penny spike a bird's nose Spray and wipe Spread-n-ready sprout a tail Sputter -- the one where you fart and poopie at the same time Square one off Squat Squat a grumpy Squat a Yam squat squat and push Squeeze Squeeze a coily squeeze a fresh slurpy Squeeze a loaf Squeeze one out Squeeze the cheese Squeezin' Cheese Squirrel curl-- a curver that curls up and hits you in the back Squirt my brown pet Stain the porcelain Staining the pond Stankin it up step into the office Stew a Rat Stock the pond with brown trout Stool Strangle Jabba The Hutt Strangle Luca Brazzi Stranglin midgets Study at the Library Sumthin' at the Bay doors Taint the cloth Take a "Schroeder" (or insert another familiar name) take a crap Take a deuce take a digi Take a Doogie take a duke Take a dump take a good crap Take a growler Take a grumper Take a Huskie (Washington Huskie) Take a hut (as in hhhhuuuuttt) Take a load off your behind Take a load off your mind take a lovely Take a natural log (for math majors) take a plane crash - no survivors take a plumper Take a poop take a rest Take a shit take a shit take a snap Take a squat Take a steamer Take a winder take care of one's business Take my medication -- dumpacillin Takin' the Browns to the SuperBowl Taking a Castro Taking a dood Taking a Ja Rule Taking the brownies out of the oven Taking the Cosby kids to the pool Taking the kids to the river talk to a man about a horse T-Bombs Test the plumbing The Fast and The Furious (aka diarhea) The gravy train The mail must go through Thirty-five Forty-five (from "Friday") Throwing up out of your butthole Thunder Dump Timber! Titanic Poopie -- so big it breaks in half when you try to flush it Toot your horn Tootsie Roll Torpedoes Toss a turd Touching fabric - this is when it's REALLY close Transduecer trash the hash Tuna salad Turd Turds ahoy! Turn and burn Turn on the Crap-o-matic Turtle Head -- the kind when you have to hold it for so long it is peeking out Turtle Soup - diarrhea Turtle Turd - when it pokes its head out the water like a turtle getting sun Two Ugly Baby unhitch a load Unleash the brown demons Unload Cargo unload visit Mr. Hanky Unplug Urge to purge Use paper Visit Dennis (Hopper) Visit Elvis Visit from Mr. Shittz McCrappen visit the chamber of commerce Visit the toilet for a poo-poo void one's bowels wash the walls Void your bowels Wander off Who wants seconds? william shattnering Winnie the poo Write a letter to the Pope (Mayor, Gov, Senate, etc.) yell at Mrs. Johnson Zap the porcelain Zappin' Bugs
The Alarm Fart - This is a good fart for the beginner. It is easy to identify. It starts with a loud unnaturally high note, wavers like a siren, and ends with a quick downward note that stops before you expect it to. It sounds like something is wrong. If it happens to you, you will know right off why it is called the Alarm Fart. You will be alarmed. The alarm fart however is rare.
The Amplified Fart - This is any fart that gets its power more from being amplified than from the fart itself. A metal porch swing will amplify a fart every time. So will a plywood table,and empty fifty gallon drum, a tin roof, or some empty cardboard boxes if they are strong through being amplified in this way can be called an Amplified Fart. These are common farts under the right conditions
The Anticipated Fart - This one warns that it is back there waiting for some time before it arrives. A person who is uneasy for a time in a crowd and who later farts at a time when they think no one will notice has farted an Anticipated Fart.
The Back Seat Fart - This is a fart that occurs only in automobiles. It is identified chiefly by odor. The Back Seat Fart can usually be concealed by traffic noise as it is an eased-out fart and not very loud. But its foul odor will give it away, due to the way air moves around in a car. It is often followed by someone saying, "Who farted in the back seat?"
The Barn Owl Fart - A familiarity with owl calls is helpful in identifying this fart. Almost any morning if you get up just before daybreak you can hear one of these birds talking to himself. It's a sort of a crazy laugh, particularly the way it ends. If you hear a fart that has about eight notes in it, ending on a couple of down notes, and it sounds maniacal, you have heard the rare Barn Owl Fart.
The Bathtub Fart - People who would never in their life know one fart from another, who would like to act like fart don't exist, will have to admit that a Bathtub Fart is something special. It is the only fart you can see! What you see is the bubbles. The Bathtub Fart can be either single or multiple noted and fair or foul as to odor. It makes no difference. The farter's location is what does it. Maybe there is a kind of muffled pong and one big bubble. Or there may be a ping ping ping and a bunch of bubbles. The sound I should point out depends somewhat on the depth of the water, and even more on the tub. If it is one of those big old heavy tubs with the funny legs you can get terrific sound effects. While one of the new thin ones half buried in the floor can be disappointing.
The Biggest Fart in the World Fart - Like the great bald eagle, this fart is pretty well described just by its name. This can either be a group one or a group two fart and can occur just about anywhere. I heard it one time, a group two identification, in a crowded high school auditorium one night, right in that silence that happens when a room full of people has stopped singing the Star Spangled Banner and sat down. It came from the back. There was not a soul in that room that missed it. A fart like that can be impressive. The most diagnostic characteristic of the Biggest Fart In The World is it size.Fart freaks who go around showing off, farting like popcorn machines, and making faces before they fart or asking you to pull their finger and then they fart, never have what it takes for this one, which is rare even among your most serious farter's.
The Bullet Fart - Its single and most pronounced diagnostic characteristic is its sound. It sounds like a rifle shot. The farter can be said to have snapped it off. It can startle spectators and farter alike. Fairly common following the eating of the more common fart foods, such as beans.
The Burning Brakes Fart - A silent fart identified by odor alone. Usually and adult fart, occurring while the adult is driving a car or has a front seat passenger who farts. The Burning Brakes Fart actually does smell a little like burning brakes, and seems to hang around longer than most farts Which gives whoever farted a chance to make a big show of checking to see if the emergency brake has been left on. When he finds it hasn't you know who farted. A common automobile fart.
The Car Door Fart - Either a group one or a group two fart. Very tricky. It is meant to be a concealed fart. A matter of close timing is involved, the farter trying to fart at the exact moment he slams the car door shut. It is usually a good loud fart. It is one of the funnier farts when it doesn't work, which is almost every time. It is a desperation fart and not too common.
The Celestial Fart - Not to be confused with the Did An Angel Speak Fart, which is simply any loud fart in church. The Celestial Fart is soft and delicate, surprising in a boy or an adult. It is probably the most shy of all farts and might be compared with the wood thrush, a very shy bird. It does not have the sly or cunning sound of the Whisper Fart. It is just a very small clear fart with no odor at all. Very rare.
The Chinese Firecracker Fart - This is an exceptional multiple noted fart identified by the number, and variety of its noises, mostly pops and bangs. Often when you think it is all over, it still has a few pops and bangs to go. In friendly company this one can get applause. Uncommon.
The Command Fart - This fart differs from the Anticipated Fart in that it can be held for long periods of time waiting for the right moment. Unlike the Anticipated Fart, it is intended to be noticed. Harold Tabor recently held a Command Fart for the whole period in history class and let it go right at the end when the teacher asked if there were any questions.
The Common Fart - This fart needs little description. It is to the world of farts what the house sparrow is to the world of birds. I can see no point in describing this far any further.
The Crowd Fart - The Crowd Fart is distinguished by its very potent odor, strong enough to make quite a few people look around. The trick here is not to identify the fart but the farter. This is almost impossible unless the farter panics, and starts a fit of coughing or starts staring at the ceiling or the sky as though something up there fascinates him. In which case he is the one. Very common.
The Cushioned Fart - A concealed fart, sometimes successful. The farter is usually on the fat side, sometimes a girl. They will squirm and push their butt way down into the cushions of a sofa or over-stuffed chair and ease-out a fart very carefully without moving then or for some time after. Some odor may escape, but usually not much. Common with some people.
The Did An Angel Speak Fart - This is any loud fart in church. This fart was first called to my attention by my father. He probably read about it somewhere. For fart watchers who go to church, this is a good one to watch for as this is the only place it can be found.
The Dud Fart - The Dud Fart is not really a fart at all. It's a fart that fails. For this reason it is strictly a group one identification fart, because there is no real way you can identify a fart that somebody else expected to fart but didn't. It is the most private of all farts. In most cases the farter usually feels a little disappointed.
The Echo Fart - This is a fart that can be wrongly identified. It is not some great loud fart in an empty gym or on the rim of the Grand Canyon. The true Echo Fart is a fart that makes its own echo. It is a two-toned fart, the first tone loud, then a pause, and then the second tone. Like an echo.
The G and L Fart - This is one of the most ordinary and pedestrian of farts, known to everyone. Certainly it is the least gross. If you have not already guessed, G and L stands for Gambled and Lost. One of the most embarrassing of all farts, even when you are alone.
The Ghost Fart - A doubtful fart in most cases, as it is supposed to be identified by odor alone and to occur, for instance, in an empty house. You enter and smell a fart, yet no one is there. People will insist that only a fart could have that odor, but some believe it is just something that happens to smell like a fart.
The Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart - This is strictly an old lady's fart. What happens is that the person manages to hiccough, sneeze, and fart all at the same time. After an old lady farts a Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart she will usually pat her chest and say, "My, oh my," or "Well, well." There is no reason she should not be proud, as this is probably as neat an old person's fart as there is.
The Jerk Fart - The Jerk Fart is a fart by a jerk who smirks, smiles, grins, and points to himself in case you missed it. It is usually a single-noted, off-key, fading away, sort of whistle fart, altogether pitiful, but the jerk will act as if he has just farted the Biggest Fart in the World Fart.
The John Fart - The John Fart is simply any ordinary fart farted on the john. It is naturally a group one identification, with the sound, whatever it was, somewhat muffled. If it is all the person's trip to the john amounted to he will be disappointed for sure. Common as pigeons.
The Lead Fart - The heaviest of all farts. It sounds like a dropped ripe watermelon. Or a falling body in some cases. It is the only fart that goes thud. Except for the odor, which is also very heavy, it could be missed altogether as a fart. What was that, you might think? And never guess.
The Malted Milk Ball Fart - Odor alone is diagnostic and positively identifies this fart. It smells exactly like malted milk balls. No other food works this way. It is rare.
The Oh My God Fart - This is the most awful and dreadful stinking of all farts - a fart that smells like a month-old rotten egg - as the Oh My God Fart. If you should ever encounter it, however, you may first want to say, oh sh*t, which would be understandable.
The Omen Fart - This is the adult version of the Poo-Poo Fart. About the only difference is that the farter will not say anything. He will just look kind of funny and head for the john. This one is easy to spot if you pay attention.
The Organic Fart - Sometimes called the Health Food Nut Fart. The person who farts an Organic Fart may be talking about the healthy food he eats even when he farts. If he is heavily into health foods he may even ask if you noticed how good and pure and healthy his fart smells. It may smell to you like any other fart, but there is no harm in agreeing with him. He is doing what he thinks is best.
The Quiver Fart - A group one identification fart only. When you fart, it quivers. If it tickles, then it is the Tickle Fart. If you have to scratch it, then it is the Scratchass Fart.
The Rambling Phaduka Fart - You must not be fooled by its pretty-sounding name, as this is one of the most frightening of all farts. It is frightening to farter and spectator alike. It has a sound of pain to it. What is most diagnostic about it, however, is its length. It is the longest-lasting fart there is. It will sometimes leave the farter unable to speak. As though he has had the wind knocked out of him. A strong, loud, wavering fart, it goes on for at least fifteen seconds.
The Relief Fart - Sound or odor don't matter on this one. What matters is the tremendous sense of relief that you have finally farted. Some people will even say, "Wow, what a relief." Very common.
The Reluctant Fart - This is probably one of the oldest farts known to man. The Reluctant Fart is a fart that seems to have a mind of its own. It gives the impression that it likes staying where it is. It will come when it is ready, not before. This can take half-a-day in some instances.
The Rusty Gate Fart - The sound of this fart seems almost impossible for a fart. Is is the most dry and squeaky sound a fart can make. The Rusty Gate Fart sounds as if it would have worked a lot easier if it had been oiled. It sounds like a fart that hurts.
The S.B.D. Fart - S.B.D. stands for Silent But Deadly. This is no doubt one of the most common farts that exists. No problem of identification with this one.
The Sandpaper Fart - This one scratches. Otherwise it may not amount to much. You should remember that if you reach back and scratch, it automatically becomes a Scratchass Fart. Common.
The Skillsaw Fart - A truly awesome fart. It vibrates the farter. Really shakes him up. People back away. It sounds like an electric skillsaw ripping through a piece of half-inch plywood. Very impressive. Not too common.
The Sonic Boom Fart - The people who believe in this fart claim it is even bigger than the Biggest Fart In The World Fart. The Sonic Boom Fart is supposed to shake the house and rattle the windows. This is ridiculous. No fart in the world shakes houses and rattles windows. A fart that could do that would put the farter into orbit or blow his crazy head off.
The Splatter Fart - Unfortunately the Splatter Fart exists. It is the wettest of all farts. It probably should not be called a fart at all.
The Stutter Fart - If you think stuttering is funny, this is a very funny fart. It is a fart that can't seem to get going. The sound is best described as pt,pt,pt-pt,pt-pt-pt,pop,pop-pop-pop-POW! It is usually a forced-out fart that gets caught crossways, as they say, and only gets farted after considerable effort.
The Taco Bell Fart - The Taco Bell Fart is far richer and full-bodied than your ordinary Junk Fart and takes longer to build up. Sometimes hours or even a day. But it will get there. And it will hang around after, too. Even on a windy day.
The Teflon Fart - Slips out without a sound and no strain at all. A very good fart in situations where you would rather not fart at all. You can be talking to someone and not miss saying a word. If the wind is right he will never know.
The Thank God I'm Alone Fart - Everyone knows this rotten fart. You look around after you have farted and say, "Thank God I'm alone." Then you get out of there fast!
The Tickle Fart - A group one only and one of the easiest to identify. Usually a slow soft sort of fart. If you like being tickled this is the fart for you!
Other Names For Farts
nouns verbs aerosolized stool after dinner mint air air attack air biscuit air monkey air poop anal acoustics Anal announcement anal escape of wind anal emissions anal oxide anal retreat anus evacuation Arkansas barking spiders ars musica arse blast ass dropping backblast backdoor trumpet back draft back end blow out bae barking rats barking spiders bean bombers bean fumes beaver leaver beer fart belching clown big spit-up bilabial fricative blampf blare-ass Blat blow-by blow fish blue angel blue bomber blue darts blurp bologna sandwich essence boomper letters bork bottom burp botty burp botty cough bram brewer's fart brown-body radiation brown haze brown mist brown speckled mallard brownster brun canard bubblers buck snort or bucksnort bull snort bum and flutter bunsen burners burners burp that went astray burp that comes out the wrong end butt burps butt cheek squeak butt moose butt mutt Butt trumpet can o' chedder carpet creeper case of swamp ass cheeser cheese toasty chert chold chou pi chunder churchhouse creepers cornhole tremor crepidus crunchy frog cushion creepers davebrok deer snort dej desert varnish doofu doozer doozy double flutterblast drifters drig drive by Dutch oven eggy whiffo essence of Emeril excreted gas explosion between the cheeks extreme fumagatory essence fang pae fang pi fannitosis fanny beep fanny bubble fanny halitosis fart fartrogen dioxide fat lady delight fecal clouds fickle fuzz fing fingi fire in the hole fizz fizz-fuzz fizzy fuzz flabbergaster flame throwers flatulence flatulencia flatus flooper fluff flurpies fly breaking the sound barrier foo-foo frump Furz fuss the fuzz the fuzz=fizz gas gasser gastronomical reprocussion General Colon Bowel barking commands gluteal tuba gooz gross wind grosse humours guano-talk gou pi grunghee gurglers hanger hissers hole in the wall gang honksa hot wind Hun Futza hurricane hydrogen bombs ignimbrite Jersey torch jetwash kabooms kanala the leather cheerio bark lingers lort love puff low flying geese low flying jets massive vapor of butt gas message from the interior methane misdirected burp Missouri mud ducks moon beam morning thunder mouse mousie squeak mudslapper mush musical butt the nether belch nuée ardent one-cheek sneaks One-gun salute paad pants geese passed flatus passed gas peaches pedo peido peo pet petard phewie pip pluts poelse poodles poof poofume poo gas pooh pooh noise poop fumes poop without the mess poopy tunes poot pooty pants popcorn fart pop tarts power poof preets prison break proot-proots prootsie prut pudd puffer puh puk pulpmiller pum purple clouds putt-putts queve rames rare arse rattler rectal turbulence report ringo ringtailed roarer rip ass ripship the ripshit ripskin ripsnorter roevgas Room clearer rup rap the scented scream scheet seam squirrels shit fumes shit propellant shit vapor shit without the mess silent but deadly silent but violent silent depth charge silent spadily sitter air Singe skag skid sliders smelly jelly smell-o-rama smelts smoofer snak S.O.D. some asshole behind you talking shit sound spadily sphincter whistle sphincturbulence spitters squeakers squib stainer stale wind stench of death stink stinker surprise svaerd talking pants tear arse tear ass terminal flatulence terminal velocity flatulence three tone fart thunder below thunder in the buns tonage toop tooters toot-toots triple flutter blaster triple thunder flutter trouser cough trouser trumpet trump turtle tushie belches underpants lion Under-thunder veirnt ventifact vind voice of the toothless one wet fart wet one whallop whootzie wind wind breakage windy pops wizard zephyr Anal Salute backfire bake breeze biscuits bake brownies bark bend a valve Beep your horn Blast the chair blow dirt blow dust blow a fart blow a gasket blow kisses blow mud blow smoke Blow the big brown horn blow the sparkplugs blurt boff Bottom blast Bottom burp boom-boom break the seam break wind buang angin bust ass Buttock bassoon Butt burp Butt tuba butt yodeling chemold clear one's throat cleft a boofer colon bowlin' cook eggs couper le fromage crack ass crepitate crop dusting cut a gasser cut a melon cut chedder cut muffins cut one cut the cheese cut the provolone Cut a stinker Cut the wind deal one degas dot'dot draw mud from the bottom of the pond drop ass Drop a bomb drop a cookie drop a fart drop a ringo drop a rose drop one drop one's guts effluviate emit a fart erupt one fardullah fart fart like a popcorn machine fessa flatulate Flatulence float an air biscuit frump Funky rollers furzen fuss Gaseous intestinal by-products get expelled from stool grunt guff heiny burp he o koita here comes Freddie Honk HUMrrhoids Jag fis kentut kill the canary launch a wifter lay a fart lay a jellybean Let a Beefer Let each little bean be heard let a windy let fly a fart let Freddie out of jail let one make a stink make cheese make methane make some underleg noise Mating call of the barking spider Mexican jet propulsion ot'ot pass gas Pass wind peidar peter piffle pollute the atmosphere poopski poot pop corn pop off pritz puf Puff, the Magic Dragon! pukat queimar a bota Rebuild the ozone layer one poof at a time Rectal honk Rectal shout refine shit particles release intestinal gases Release a tree monkey from captivity ringo rip one rip the canvas Ripple Fart roar from the rear shit the bed shoot bunnies Shoot the cannon sink my battleship sneeze in one's pants spider's barking spill one's guts split the seam start a Harley start the engine step on a duck step on a frog step on a fart snake stink out loud stomp on the barking spider strike mud strip a gear supply it taint ripper toot Toot your own horn To speak German Trouser cough Trouser trumpet vent winden laten