For me to let off steam

I AM SORRY BUT I AM COPYING THE JOKES AS I LOVE IT HAD ME FALLING OF MY SEAT IT WAS SO SO SO GOOD.................................

One day, a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river and her thimble fell into the river. When
she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.
The Lord dipped his hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked again.
The seamstress replied, "No"
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.
Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "YES."
The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the same riverbank and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water.
When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the seamstress. the lord was furious. "YOU LIED! That is untrue!"
The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise.
Then, if I said 'No' to him, you would have come up with my husband and had I then said 'yes' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so that's why I said 'yes' to Mel Gibson."

The moral of this story is :
WHENEVER A WOMAN LIES, IT'S FOR A GOOD AND HONORABLE REASON AND IN THE BEST INTEREST OF OTHERS. THAT'S OUR STORY, AND WE'RE STICKING TO IT


A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th
wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will
grant you each a wish.'
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my
darling husband.'
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the
Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic,
but an opportunity like this will never come again.
I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger
than me.'
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a
wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92
years old.
The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful *******
should
remember fairies are female.....

> SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH .... AND TO ANY MAN WHO CAN HANDLE IT!


ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

o OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

o SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.

o GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.



o HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.


o LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.


o PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.


o DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
__
o
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED !
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN: IF YOU EVER LEAVE ANY MORE MESSAGES ABOUT VIAGRA ETC I WILL PERSONALLY HUNT YOU DOWN AND YOU WILL SEE WHAT I WLL DO... DO NOT EVER LEAVE MESSAGES LIKE THAT AGAIN IF YOU KNOW WHATS GOOD FOR YOU MATE

AM SO BORED FROM STUDYING FOR THEIS BLOOMING EXAM SO AM HERE TO CHEER MYSELF UP... I HAD A REALLY GREAT DAY OUT YER'DAY WIV ME BEST MATE AT BUCKINGHAM PALACE WHICH WAS VERY SORE ON THE LEGS.....

Say the word slowly and Take your time.

1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at
McDonalds.

2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do.

3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage.

4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with..

5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate.

6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen
cabinets.

7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living.

8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does.

10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of
money.

11. MISTY: How golfers create divots.

12. PARADOX: Two physicians.

13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower
.

14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm.

15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with.

16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring.

18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife.

19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does.

20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government
official.
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@'''

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of
babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,
um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we
can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's
fainted!!"

ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whats the difference between a blond and a Mosquito?

The mosquito stops sucking after you slap it.

///////////////////////////////////////////

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman
beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They
are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as
your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

_____________________________________________


A man happened to meet his ex-wife at a party, and after a few drinks,
he suggested that they might have another try at marriage. His ex-wife
sneered in reply, "Over my dead body !"

He downed his drink and replied, "Well, I see you haven't changed one
little bit."

()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()(()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()(

A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his
doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an
advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. Guaranteed like
heck, he thinks to himself. But lets see what they think they can do.
He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight
loss program.
The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers,
there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe
dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her
neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss
company. The sign reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. Well,
without a second thought he takes off after her (like who wouldn't).
A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has
his way with her. After they are through he kisses the girl one last
time and thinks to himself with a nod, I like the way this company
does business.
For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing
happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and, sure
enough, he has lost 10 pounds. Deciding that he likes his somewhat
more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he
calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight
loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems
like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might
be like this time.
As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he
answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but
a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply
stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces
herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign
reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. He's out the door like a
shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch
her. But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is
wonderful, the best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to
the next four days... For the next four days, the same girl shows up
and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the
sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20
pounds. I love this company, he thinks to himself, I never knew
losing weight could be so easy and so much fun.
Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and
subscribe to the companies 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. Are
you sure, sir? asks the representative on the phone. This is our most
rigorous program. Absolutely, says he, I love your program. haven't
felt this good in years! The next day there comes a knock at his
door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200
pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes
and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative
of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, If I can catch you, I can have you.

ha ha ha ha ha .....................good weight lose prog !!!!!!!!!!!!!!